What motivates me?

There are days that I can honestly just stay in bed the entire day. All I have to do is open up my computer to Hulu and then all of a sudden the sun is setting again and I can't seem to recall what I did or watched or ate in this black out period. This type of day become more frequent when something important is coming up- because of course I can't deal with it head on and must escape into the internet. Today, this big thing I'm trying to avoid are my summer plans.

Summers for someone my age are a complicated time. I can convince myself that it's my "free time" - it is time for car rides and late nights and wearing whatever the fuck I want. I can turn on MTV and see the latest pseudo documentary with Lauren Conrad and her clone friends and think, "Ah, that is summer. It's so hip." When I think of summer I can get all romantic and have some vintage film montage happen in my head with beaches and friends and light rays and drugs and indie music.

But here is the bottom line. Summer to me means RESUME. Summer for me means I ask myself: do I go home to see my family? Or stay in LA and pay rent to work for some studio for free. Summer means one more school year is over, and one more is coming up. and in less than a year, it will all be complete. School is out, for - ever.

So what motivates me to actually make the effort - a very humble effort - to buy into the system and get a job? Because, of course, I must assume that if I don't do something constructive in my summer, I'm putting myself at a huge disadvantage. So what's my motivation? Is it my desire for happiness? My ambition to make a difference in the world one day? Do I secretly want to be a hot shot famous filmmaker and work my ass of to make it to the top?

This forum is an attempt for me to start being honest with myself. And honestly, I think the answer to the posed question is LOANS. I have had to borrow a hefty sum in order to pay for this Bachelor's degree. My loans are the only tangible thing I can possibly think of that puts pressure on me. God damn loans. They seriously are the fucking devil. Like really, who wants to pay for something while they aren't even using it anymore. I can't wait for it to be 5 years from now and I'm writing checks to the government for a degree in which our class work consisted of participating in "intimacy" excersizes where you blindly touch your neighbor's forearms and face in an attempt to later be comfortable enough to act in a sex scene........

I guess my point is that I don't know how to solve my problem. On the one hand I really do love to work and can't wait to be done with school. But on the other I'm scared shitless for what comes with that, like loan payments and the end of vacations.

Lightbulb.

The end of summers.

Damn. Fuck. This is so cliche.